Month: March 2012

Obama Wins Republican Nomination

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By Carl-John X Veraja

Thanks in part to an endorsement by Rick Santorum, and moves by Paul Singer, Obama emerged victorious at the brokered GOP convention.

“This is a victory for the American people,” said President Obama.  “Despite whether I am re-elected as a Republican or Democratic candidate, there will be no losers.  Rest assured, my teleprompter will be adjusted accordingly, but my policies will continue to appeal to no one.  You see, now that I can’t lose, I can finally stop being a politician and be a straight-shooter.”

This is the first time in history that a single candidate was in the running for both major parties.

A snag emerged when Joe Biden revealed he refused to double-bill.

“I am not going to join the party that had JFK killed with Castro’s go ahead,” said Biden.

Obama has been forced to choose Santorum as his Republican running mate.

Asked if this had been his plan all along, Santorum was evasive.

“Plans?  I make my plans to coincide with God’s,” said Santorum.  “What seems random in the eyes of man turns out to abide by a higher purpose.  Think about that next time you break a condom.”

Why did Romney feel he had lost the nomination?

“The Etch A Sketch got me,” he said.

Mormon Birth

Obama continues to insist he is quite dissimilar from Romney, despite the fact that he copied Romney’s invention of socialized medicine and the recent shocking secrets of his past that were unearthed by the masterful investigation lead by Donald Trump and Sheriff Joe Arpaio.

The Emperor’s Shorts

It turns out, Obama’s birth certificate was a fake.  The real birth certificate lead investigators to discover that Obama was in fact a Mormon who was born in Michigan of a wealthy, severely conservative family.  It was also found that he tortured neighborhood dogs as a young man.  Later, he was a Mormon missionary in France, where he often dazzled potential converts by defecating in a golden bucket.

“I am more conservative than Reagan,” said Obama.  “And yet, more liberal than Bill Clinton.  I will turn the United States into a fascist state while being accused of being a bleeding heart.  I will do all this and more whilst singing smooth jazz and wearing magic underwear.  This is 2012, dawning of the age of rhetoric.”

A poll released on Thursday revealed 51 percent would vote for Democratic Obama, while 39 percent preferred Republican Obama.

“I would have voted for Republican Obama,” said Mary Churchill, a bingo announcer from Muskogee, “but I just don’t like the image of Obama running with Santorum.”

(Time Traveler’s Daily is news from the future.  If it’s here, it’ll happen somewhere in the Multiverse.)

Time Traveler Jesus Gave Birth to Himself

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(in an exclusive interview with a man calling himself “The Baptist,” Time Traveler’s Daily obtained this information on the true story of Christ)

 

When Mary was engaged to Joseph, she revealed she was pregnant and laid out a cover story.

Joseph happily played along as long as his dalliances were also covered, needing a beard.

She gave birth to Jesus.  When Jesus was between 12 and 30, the time that is left out of the Bible, Jesus was whisked into the past by a mysterious stranger (also Jesus), and he had sex with his mother.

Jesus was taken into the future to his own tomb where he stole his own body and then appeared to his disciples, whom he hadn’t met yet, convincing them he had resurrected.

Then Jesus was taken to the 22nd century where he killed himself (the himself that took him there) and learned the art of time travel.  He traveled to his crucifixion, stopped time, took himself down from the cross, and planted the body of the self he murdered on the cross.

Time got a little upset after all this mucking about and there was an earthquake and some dead people marched around.

Then, Jesus went back to the 22nd century and had his second coming, but no one cared because time paradoxes were old hat.

So, he traveled back in time and performed lots of miracles with the help of technology and let himself be crucified knowing he’d save himself, because he was a total narcissist and liked wowing crowds.

After he was saved, he got a sex change in the 22nd century (where the art was perfected), became Mary, and was taken back in time to have sex with himself and give birth to himself.  For Christ so loved himself, he impregnated him(her)self.

Having granted himself these wishes, he changed sexes again and abducted himself and tricked his younger self into having sex with his own mother (also himself), whom he’d rendered unconscious and placed in a darkened prostitute tent.  He knew this would anger his younger self to the point that he’d kill himself (not himself himself–oh, you know what I mean, I think).

Later, the only way he could recover from the sense of powerlessness he felt at having been tricked into sleeping with his own mother was to become his own mother and sleep with himself.

(Time Traveler’s Daily is news from the future.  If it’s here, it’ll happen somewhere in the multiverse if it didn’t already.)

Latest Alien Prank Angers Some

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Blondie, Lesslock Mime

After tying the Empire State Building into a knot, replacing the famous Hollywood sign with “WE ARE SMARTER,” and dissolving the President’s clothes during his last State of the Union speech, The Overlords, an alien prankster group of the Lesslock race, may have gone too far for a simple apology.

Around midnight, eastern standard time, a loud trumpeting sound was heard, all the oceans of the world turned the color of blood, fish, condoms and frogs rained out of the sky all over the major cities, and millions of Christians disappeared.

“It’s simply outrageous for these snobby aliens to make a mockery of Christian values with this false rapture,” said Rick Santorum, speaking at a Knights of Columbus convention.  “Do not be fooled.  Christ will return at the time of his choosing like a thief in the night, not like an immature pack of intergalactic hoodlums.  The parents of these alien teenagers should have raised them properly, with religion and the threat of violence while withholding knowledge.  The aliens provide a perfect example as to why I was against education when I was President.  You see what happens?”

Some people weren’t as upset.

“I think it’s awesome,” said Kilie McGillicutti, of the Reason Retreat.  “From what I understand, the most adamant of the fundamentalist disappeared.  I wish the rapture had happened before Rick Santorum was elected President.  And, personally, I don’t understand what the Christians should be upset about.  I mean, they said they knew this would happen one day.  Just because it didn’t happen the way they wanted is no reason to bluster.  They should follow their own advice and remain humble and accept this as God’s will.”

She chuckled and snorted.

A statement believed to be issued by the Overlords stated that exactly half of the Christians who they believed had enough faith to be “rapture-ready” were abducted and then “repeatedly anally probed, lol, just kidding” in order to make a statement to mankind about their need to evolve and remind them what a “bunch of intellectual sissies” they were.  The statement was signed “Herbie Hancock,” reflecting a common practice among Lesslocks to use the names of famous Earthlings since they have none of their own, and they would be unpronounceable anyway if they did.

Usher, a spokesperson for the Lesslocks, was quick to offer an apology.

“We’re sorry,” he said.  “Like I said, we’re sorry.  Our youngsters are a lot like yours.  However, we must indulge them somewhat if they are to mature properly.”

Albert Einstein, a Lesslock diplomat, gave a solid 2 ton block of gold to be “divided evenly among church leaders.”

Where were the raptured Christians?

“No one knows right now, but know they will be safely returned,” said Einstein.  “The Lesslocks do not practice violence.  We have replaced war with pranks.”

(Time Traveler’s Daily is news from the future.  If it’s here, it’ll happen.)

Man with Body of Horse Tramples Own Child

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By Carl-John X Veraja

According to some theriomorphs, Baby Fea was the first of their number, though it was involuntary and didn’t affect her appearance.  On October 26, 1984, Baby Fea received a baboon heart, surviving for 20 days.

Theriomorphs, people who replace parts of their body with animal parts, have managed to resurrect political issues from a long sleep.  Many claim that theriomorphs are unnatural, offensive, disturbing, and possibly insane.

Most theriomorphs are interested in cosmetic changes or with what they perceive to be the physical advantages of animal limbs and other organs.  However, a man with the stomachs of a cow is treated as a theriomorph under the law since it was not medically necessary.

Vernon Rose, of Therioperfect, an advocacy group for theriomorphs, says its time for society to accept this new race of people.

“Theriomorphs are born, not made,” said Rose.  “On the inside, I always wanted horns and a tail.  What a relief it was to find out I wasn’t alone.  And tell me, who hasn’t dreamed of soaring like an eagle, prancing like a gazelle, taking down a wildebeest, or goring your enemy?”

All Human, a group that opposes civil rights for theriomorphs, is headed by Gerty Ashton.

“These are sick people,” said Ashton, “and it’s a slippery slope.  First, you’re marrying someone who is part animal.  Next, you’re married to an animal.  Then, you’re divorcing that animal while cheating on another animal.  Where does it end?  And how can a young boy growing up with a part-donkey dad possibly develop a healthy self-image?”

Adding fire to the controversy, a man with the body of a horse recently trampled his own child while drunk in Anton, New Jersey.

“Technically, if you have a horse’s body, you are more or less drunk driving if you become intoxicated and trot,” said Anton’s police commissioner Paul Davies.

(Time Traveler’s Daily is news from the future.  If it’s here, it’ll happen.)

Celibacy Education Banned in Utah

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No Ain't a Word

Utah Gov. Herb Garret on Monday signed a bill banning celibacy education in public schools throughout Utah.

This was just what was expected after years of cutting public school programs.

Reshaping an oft-used celibacy training phrase, Garret said, “Don’t penetrate your date, never worry, no mess.  Turns out, making the natural forbidden just makes it more enchanting.  Teenage pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases have increased since celibacy education was put in place.  From now on, the state will play no role.  It’s strictly hands off.  Now, parents will have only themselves to blame when they catch their youngsters experimenting, pregnant, or disease-ridden.”

Celibacy education is now added to a long list of topics that are deemed unfit to be taught in Utah public schools including evolution, intelligent design, civics, economics, shop and foreign languages.

“We teach them reading and math.  What they apply that too, and how their character develops–the state shouldn’t be directly involved in that,” said Garret.

As less and less is taught in public schools, families have increasingly turned to charter schools where such restrictions don’t apply.

“It’s understood that charter schools will groom their children for success in the modern American culture,” said Donald Shockly, Utah’s education director.  “That’s why there’s a heavy focus on religion, family values, and repetition desensitization.”

(Time Traveler’s Daily is news from the future.  If it’s here, it’ll happen.)

All Potential Human Life to be Protected from God

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No Diving

With Moat v. Canal, all fetuses, eggs, and sperm have been declared to be human beings, and therefore measures are being quickly enacted to guarantee the survival of as many of them as possible.  At the forefront of these efforts is Life inVest, which has developed products to protect the unborn and the preconceived.

“Every sperm, fetus, and egg can conceivably become a human being,” said Senator Edward Vetter, who has helped draft legislation in response to the ruling.  “The miscarriages, menstrual cycles, and male orgasms of the past therefore need to be strictly regulated.  And this also means regulating God.”

Life inVest, which has been developing products for lifers, says its now ready to deliver.

“Just because God’s doing the killing doesn’t make it any less of a crime,” said Henry Shelton, a spokesperson for Life inVest.  “Now, when a miscarriage occurs, it is conceivable to save the fetus.  All pregnancies will be strictly monitored, and we can see a miscarriage coming.  Before the miscarriage gets underway we will be prepared to remove the fetus from the hostile maternal environment and place it in a Suprawomb.  Likewise, nocturnal emissions, masturbation, and sex all yield live sperm.  Receptacles to capture these and freeze them shall be mounted on all fertile members.  Now, along with your garbage pickup, you can have your frozen sperm collected and taken to your local Unborn Zoo.  Eggs that would have been lost in menstrual flows are likewise collected, but it’s necessary for fertile woman, our carriers as we call them, to make visits at the appropriate medical facility.”

What was deemed as moral, acceptable behavior in the past is often perceived as outrageous in the present.  Is this another example?

“In the barbaric days of Roe V. Wade, innocent fetuses were slaughtered by their mothers simply because they were defenseless,” said Shelton.  “I’d say society is still evolving.  What could be more innocent and defenseless than a sperm cell?  Especially when threatened by an all-powerful, all-knowing God.”

(Time Traveler’s Daily is news from the future.  If it’s here, it’ll happen.)

Misotheistic Church Finds New Generation of Adherents

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The religion of Arrogant Nihilistically Sinning Gnostic Theists (ANGST?) has been growing by leaps and bounds of faith.

“As plagues, earthquakes, hurricanes, starvation, wars, floods, etc., continue to increase exponentially, lots of people want to be encouraged in their faith,” said Rev. Charles Aster.  “People forget what life is all about.  Suffering.  And, being reminded, they want someone to blame.  That’s where God comes in.  Here, at our weekly services, people get to tell God off, piss on a cross, hear lectures reminding them why God is such an asshole, and they indulge in sinful activities to anger God with cheap lodging and excellent room service available.  We find reasons to hate God in almost everything–the atrocities and contradictions in the Bible, our inadequacies, our strengths, good news, bad news–you name it.”

I decided to interview a member of the church.  Why did Thelma Louise attend?

“Honestly, I like the partying,” said Louise.  “I mean, yea, I think that creation is a pretty botched job.  But after we get worked up in a lather at service, the drinking, drugging, and fornication are what keep me coming back.  Keep coming back, as we say.  I pretty much started hating God when my mom committed suicide thanks to her mental illness and I intend to make the best of it.”

If you can blame God when things go wrong, don’t you have to thank him when things go well?

“Fuck no,” said Louise. “When things go well God’s just buttering you up for the next big let-down. And, as we all know, it’s a-coming. In the meanwhile, party while you can. All roads go straight to Hell.”

Aren’t you worried about pissing God off?

“Obviously, He’s already pissed off,” said Louise.  “Thousands of innocents are dying for some reason.  Also, I figure God doesn’t care if we mock Him.  He’s all powerful.  He’ll get the last laugh.  If you want to know what it’s all about, read Ecclesiastes and Job.”

Are you absolutely certain there is a God?

“Yea,” said Louise, “how else do you explain all the evil?  Do you think it just made itself?”