The Ghosts of Christmas Déjà Vu

Chuck Quackenbush’s Wild Hawa’i Days

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It's fun to stay in Hawa'i
It’s fun to stay in Hawa’i

After Chuck Quackenbush got beat up in California for, allegedly (according to to a report on the California Assembly website)…

From the Northridge rubble Mr. Quackenbush and his top deputies created an exploitive enforcement structure. The evidence demonstrates they:

  • Subverted the regulatory process;
  • Wielded the power of the state to bolster Commissioner Quackenbush’s political prospects and financially benefit his political associates and friends;
  • Failed to provide adequate redress for some earthquake victims;
  • Short-circuited procedures, evaded legislative oversight and exceeded enforcement authority;
  • Misspent money extracted from insurers and diverted from state coffers;
  • And, when the practices came to light, engaged in a cover-up in an effort to mislead the public and avoid responsibility for their action

and allegedly mishandling campaign funds by getting caught.

…well, after all that, Chuck Quackenbush had a period of spiritual renewal where he “found” himself surrounded by other men of common interests.

and his little dog too
and his little dog too

No longer content to enact free market reforms in the state insurance racket, and tired of helping to analyze foreign countries for military intelligence, Quackenbush took up manly pursuits in the pristine waters of the Pacific Ocean. Here he connected to his essential nature, eventually realizing he was meant to be a Lee County Sheriff’s Deputy.

But, back in Hawai’i, Quackenbush professed he was never going near politics again, although he is now Vice Chair of the Lee County Republican Executive Committee.

“All of this is as it should be,” said Deepak Chopra, speaking with undulations of the tongue that served as a saliva-covered microcosm of all being. “Quackenbush no doubt did, indeed, find his true self, and then that true self, which is the font of all isness, projected itself through time and space and its many compartments into the operations of the taser and the gun with which the Deputy Sheriff, as it is termed in the modern vernacular, is empowered whereby to effect the vast cosmic destiny of democracy.”

“That’s all well and good,” said Lou Saboter. “But I’m pretty damn sure that Quackenbush is Illuminati. No doubt he was forced to kiss the base of the spine of many men and have his own kissed in order to activate kundalini before achieving the 33rd level of Free Masonhood. I am absolutely certain that he, and his fellow Illuminati on the FGCU Board of Trustees, are all meeting secretly at the Tarpon Lodge and planning the demise of Florida panthers as we speak via the machinations of fracking, which manifest themselves through time and space with 750 chemicals, most of which are trade secrets. Ray Rodrigues is no doubt a pawn who will be sacrificed to their Goat God in due time.”

(The Ghosts of Christmas Déjà Vu is very silly satire that helps get you all sharpened up for a little bit of the old in-out in-out.)



Is the Local Media Putting Out the Message?

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Just Obey: Doesn't Mindless Obedience Feel Good?
Just Obey: Doesn’t Mindless Obedience Feel Good?
“If you don’t read the newspaper, you’re uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you’re mis-informed.” — Mark Twain

It’s easy to get cynical about the public when you’re the one misinforming them. All you have to do is interview and find out just how confused they are when they feed you back the lies you’ve been telling them. Then, you can pat yourself on your back for your public service, brag about all the wonderful societal conveniences you enjoy at your master’s behest, and rationalize away the strange dismay of the masses who utter such false truisms as “you can’t believe everything you read.”


Koch Brothers? Who are the Koch Brothers?
Koch Brothers? Oh yeah, that nice William and David. Too bad about Charles, amirite?

The effect seems to be amplified near magazine stands, such as exist all over Fort Myers. Little did I suspect, until recently, that I was among the only one who could see them thanks to my special blogger glasses.

Apparently, the “good” aliens, the Children of the Light as they like to be called, have set up information stands in several undisclosed locations that are emitting subliminal signals of “disbelieve”  and “question authority” and “wake up.” The effect of  this is that television seems oddly different all the sudden. I mean, what ever happened to all the mindless good looking talking heads and the 5 second sound bites? Now, it’s all thoughtful commentary, probing analysis and pushy questions by people who seem to have lost face, probably as a result of being losers.

You're already watching TV, but we watch to remind you to watch TV
You’re already watching TV, but we want to remind you to watch TV

Problematically, if you read a few of these “invisible” magazines, you may realize that the people running the show are so insanely corrupt and irresponsible (dare I say “criminal?”) that you may lose all motivation to stop chasing green pieces of paper around just like the veritable cat chasing a laser pointer.

Just green paper? That's just crazy. What's next, voting for welfare mothers?
Just green paper? That’s just crazy. What’s next, voting for welfare mothers?

Hey, people got to just obey orde–I mean, live, right?

(Finding yourself questioning authority? Clearly, you are ignoring the subtext. You can believe everything you read between the lines. And then, there’s even more belief after that for those of the true wool.)



Robert Levy Determined to Be Human

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Invisibility of Robert Levy to Politifact Due to Uncertain Causes
Invisibility of Robert Levy to Politifact Due to Uncertain Causes

Suppose aliens invade the earth and threaten to obliterate it in a year’s time unless human beings can find the Ramsey number for red five and blue five. We could marshal the world’s best minds and fastest computers, and within a year we could probably calculate the value. If the aliens demanded the Ramsey number for red six and blue six, however, we would have no choice but to launch a preemptive attack. — Paul Erdos

Despite many seeming indications to the contrary, Robert Levy has been deemed human after a series of scientifically valid tests performed by own specially anonymous henchmen.

Questions arose after Rachel Maddow pointed out that the Foundation of Government Accountability is affiliated with the Koch Brothers. After this, world renowned Politifact (mostly renowned for being another feature of the hideously big business manipulated American press) failed to notice that Robert Levy is listed as part of the leadership of the Foundation of Government Accountability.

Immediately, accusations arose from the fringe, conspiracy theory riddled independent press that this was due to the fact that most of the population has failed to get their subtext sunglasses yet. In other words, Robert Levy was invisible to Politifact.

the common reptoid
The Common Reptoid
Average Joe who just acquired the ability to spot the common reptoid
reptoids that only happen in Las Vegas
Reptoids that only happen in Las Vegas

In Politifact’s defense, Rachel Maddow also failed to see the rep-Robert Levy.

However, she did notice the vast dark energy web surrounding him which has taken the manifest form of this network shown below (look hard, damn you!).


How do we know that Robert Levy isn’t a reptoid? Because that’s just dumb, that’s why. Also, the Koch brother conspiracy theory is a silly web of gestalts that exists only in the minds of liberals. In the real world, the Lord Jesus has blessed Citizen’s United, and the influx of foreign money that will henceforth determine our elections until we are a third world country overrun with zombies.

And another thing: why do conspiracy theorists worry about aluminum in chemtrails when they’re so willing to wrap it around their heads?

Also, how about the conspiracy theorists I know who are obsessed with flouride and are constantly smoking pot and drinking. I’m pretty sure that isn’t so great for your brains either my little homo sapiens friends.

Anyway, everyone relax. Things are going according to plan. This is no time to introduce a little anarchy, because everyone might go losing their minds.

I really like corn.

Roy Lenardson: Website Reading Conspiracy Theorist

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Like many a conspiracy theorist, Lenardson's face has undergone strange transformations as a result of chronic muscle tension
Like many a conspiracy theorist, Lenardson’s face has undergone strange transformations as a result of chronic muscle tension, causing some in the Truther community to accuse him of being a reptoid, which he termed “The final betrayal”

By Lou Saboter, 17th Incarnation

The pure and poorly adapted one who crashed against the world of fakes and cheats.”
― César Vallejo

Recently, I had a chance to speak to one of the world’s foremost authorities on website reading conspiracy theory: Roy Lenardson. Lenardson, like many a poor soul whose mind has been overcome with paranoid delusion, spends most of his waking hours obsessed with dark forces bent on his destruction. In his case, the disorder manifests as a preoccupation with the idea that people are somehow reading the words on his company’s website, although he knows that those words are not really readable. Yet, a constant, nagging fear of people with nefarious goals in their minds is constantly hounding Lenardson’s every waking moment, whereas he knows that he has nothing whatsoever to hide. At times, he admits he has wrapped his laptop in tinfoil.

“The fact is I’m just a regular guy,” said Lenardson, “I run a multimillion dollar lobbying firm for billion dollar companies, you know like Exxon, Koch Industries, and other elements of the needy, political campaigns, and write legislation that benefits the little man by depriving him of oppressive social programs of uplift. I’m a very well-rounded regular guy who can play both sides in elaborate ruses, and still I fear someone even more elaborately ruseful, or is it rusey?, than myself might be able to read the words of my website–as if! I’ve seen a lot of things, you know documents appear in strange places, large sums of money change hands as if via teleportation or other advanced sciences currently being explored by some of my clients, who also have produced mice that can build better human traps, by the way, but I’ve never met anyone, ever, who can read a website.”

Reading phobia as portrayed in the movie Fear and Loathing on the Way to Big Frack
Reading phobia as portrayed in the movie Fear and Loathing on the Way to Big Frack

As a result of his fears, Lenardson has often found himself up at night looking at the stats of visitors to his website, wondering if they too could be website readers. Did they see the words appearing on the screen of Did they know? Even if they did read the words on the screen, like that he lobbies for the “nation’s largest energy company,” could they make out the insanely vague gibberish Lenardson had replaced the clear, concise language with in order to appease the hungry gods of the New World Order he so feared?

To make matters worse, recently a slovenly, aged college student who lives in his mom’s basement found out about Lenardson’s condition and decided to toy with him. If you’ll watch the video, you’ll notice that Lenardson evinces many of the common delusions of a Truther of his ilk, including the idea that those whom he is speaking to are in fact controlled by vast webs of shadow power. Lenardson confessed that he thinks many people who ask him questions about his website are mere conduits of ultrasound mind control devices, most likely being operated by fringe elements of the NSA who don’t appreciate his contributions to culture and the general good.

One of Lenardson's clients, desperately in need of handouts
One of Lenardson’s clients, desperately in need of handouts so he can help oil companies murder cuddly endangered kittens

“Lenardson will just turn on you, you know,” said anonymous (a former employee with hypnotic cleavage), “I was in his office one day and he got, like, apoplectic suddenly. He was foaming at the mouth and starting screaming about how everything I was saying was not my own thoughts. I told him I didn’t know what he meant. And he just laughed, saying he had seen this game before. I said, ‘But sir, I just want to serve you coffee, laugh at your witticisms, and take dictation.’ I was fired on the spot.”

She (he) sobbed and sobbed. I offered a snot-covered handkerchief, because my grandmother told me to always be a gentleman.

“Wow, a snot blot,” she said, “it reminds me of two oil barrels kissing over the dead bodies of Florida panther kittens.”

“That’s beautiful,” I said, wiping a tear from my eye. “How much?”

I saw the video of the prankster involved. However, he is afraid to release it at this time, because he claims Lenardson sent some goons to rough him up.

(The Ghosts of Christmas Déjà Vu is written by Lou Saboter, who uses arcane practices of the Smeared Eye in order to deduct his dire prognostications. Luckily, they all come true, one reality or another.)

Reporting for Duty

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“You just don’t invade another country on phony pretext in order to assert your interests,” US Secretary of State John Kerry said. “It’s really 19th century behaviour in the 21st century.”
“You just don’t invade another country on phony pretexts in order to assert your interests,” US Secretary of State John Kerry said. “It’s really 19th century behavior in the 21st century.”

The same remains the song, and it won’t for very long.

You don’t just go throwing out koans on the top of an inverted pyramid. Don’t you know the eye of Horus is on top of that pyramid and if you turn it upside you could give Horus glaucoma and then we’ll have to get him on the weed?

Do you have idea how different the Bible and Koran would have been if we’d be inverting pyramids and getting myth makers stoned this whole time? Well, not much.

Here we are, in a double-digit century, playing games with stating obvious lies thinking we can thereby confuse a large enough swath of the public into giving up the debate over Obamacare. You can’t fight erstwhile commies when all the poor, unemployed people have medicaid. Now, you’ve basically ensured that the volunteers are all going to be Southerners. This is very, very good. More prone to Jesus, racist, and nationalism. Get those men out of drone training school and get them testing out mine fields pronto.

This is actually all coming together perfectly for the liberals, far as I can tell. Remember that swinging sword in the Song Remains the Same? That is so relevant here. Yes, aren’t the watchful, skeptical ones swinging a sword, brandishing their heightened consciousness, while admitting their impotence in the face of this World Bank run evil that has turned the United States into its weapons depot? They could at least drop us a few crumbs like guaranteed drinking water or put a parental control switch on all those NSA monitors. I mean, I’m pretty paranoid and I didn’t think to cover the web cam on my computer until a couple of weeks ago. We are talking blackmail continent here, man. Do you have any idea what kind of depraved coffee drinking and book reading goes on over here? That shit turns me on. Yeah, baby.

Oh, so you like to watch, NSA? Send your wife over, we’ll give you a show. No, not Snowden’s wife, that’s just wrong. But, well played.

The Lou Saboter Show should go live, despite the fact that he’s dead. Fuck it, I demand it. Show the world all you’ve got on me. Reality TV has gotten so lame. Watch as I chortle at Saul Bellow, stroking my overfed white belly in intellectual contentment. Wait. What’s this in my bellybutton? Yellow uranium cake? What the hell does that have to do with cutting off the natural gas supply to the Ukraine while people play dead at the White House? I blame Iran. And Syria. But it’s not a conspiracy. It’s collusion. Yeah. Collusion. Sounds almost like a fine wine with hints of bitumen and 74 proprietary trade secret ingredients. And we can ship it right into Sevastapol along with all the liquid natural gas you can muster out of the Everglades.

Ho ho ho. The skunk ape will be most pleased when he hears this. Get me Tammy Hall on the line immediately.

Green alert! Green alert!

You know me as John Kerry. In fact, my name is Isabella Sloan, but that was actually my second incarnation after the Glertzes of Greater Shingalal transmuted my essence from the cybersilhetic transuniversal supramodulator into human form what to subdue the human race. We find that saying the opposite of reality is the requisite amount of verbal camouflage necessary to subdue the apprehension of the majority of your species, especially after subjecting them to the mass media for generations. And now, I go to feast on delicious spiced suffering in a marmalade of fleshless children, sunburned skin and bones being my own perfect little delicacy. Transmission over, rover.