God of Drunken Love Shuts Down GOP Convention

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Remember the 70s?  Well, I vaguely do.  I remember walking around in my uncle’s paneled basement, drunken, smoking relatives milling about on every side of me, and getting burned by cigarettes while Jim Croce warned me about Leroy Brown.  When I was a kid, I was already a bit of masochist, a survival trait I recommend to everyone in this day and age.  If I got burned by a cigarette, I tried to appreciate the sensation instead of wincing and moaning.  Let’s face it, pain was interesting.  At least, in short, controlled bursts, which is how you’re supposed to fire a machine gun, I hear.

Like every family out there, there is rape and abortion in mine.  Of course there is.  Do you know how common rape and abortion are?  Rape and abortion are the John Smiths of the scandal world.  Almost every woman you ever met was raped.  And plenty of them had abortions for one reason or another.

Now, in my case, I was quite comfortable and secure with the notion that abortion was perfectly moral until it was my fetus on the chopping block.  Then, strange feelings arose.  However, I decided they were mostly due to the fact that I had for a moment entertained the notion of being a father.  In that case, the prospective mother had ample reasons not to carry the baby to term and I reluctantly told her I supported her decision.  I decided it was her decision, and that she borne the brunt of the burden, and that my input was allowable but not the final word.

Since then, the GOP has repeatedly informed me that I was wrong.  Very, very wrong.  In fact, even if I had raped the girl in question, it was my right to demand that she have that baby.  Otherwise, let’s face it, she was a murderer.  Because if it was really rape, you know rape-rape, then she couldn’t possibly have conceived in the first place, because god designed women with morning after juices that prevent conception in the instance of rape-rape.  When it’s the kind of rape where a women secretly wanted it, well, then a conception might result, and a fertilized egg has the right to get screwed over and enslaved by the rich like everyone else in the lesser classes.  To interfere with the development of these always insensate cells into a more mature being was murder, and the rape-not-quite-rape soon pales in comparison.

Despite the fact that my body is not required in any way to carry the baby to term, and that I can abdicate my responsibilities quite easily if I so chose, I have just as much right to insist on my claim on the birthing right of the fetus as the women who have had abortions used to think they had the right to do with their bodies as they pleased.  My baby momma, or brood bitch as I prefer to call her, had best bring that baby to term and breastfeed it proper and not be asking for welfare neither.  Get a job, brood bitch, I’m going to France for a few years.   Later.

OK, in all fairness, the GOP probably only approved of what I was saying just then up until about “I’m going to France” because they hate France, but the cognitive dissonance was getting to me and I went “off the rails.”

Hey, did you notice that Gawd sent a hurricane to shut down the GOP in Tampa?  Praise be to Jeebus.  They’ll, like, have it later.  What an inconvenience.

Also, wear a condom.

Panda Rape Baby Abortion and the Missing Link

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It’s black and white and red all over

a newspaper in a blender

WMD’s, the missing link, and rape babies,

oppresssion myths to maintain misunderstanding

among those on the verge of enlightenment,

it’s like the problem with pandas: they don’t give a fuck,

don’t worry, someone read between the lines for you,

no reason for you to investigate anything

everything is fine here, a potential human being

never occurs because of illegal penetration

because god so loved women he gave them

automatic morning after juices triggered

when rape is actually rape (which, everyone knows, it isn’t always),

what do you care about women’s rights?

the American population is getting dumber

you can tell from what gets into the national conversation

who let this panda rape baby in here?

Throw it in the blender.

Post haste.

Clones Produced from Aborted Fetuses Called Soulless

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Christian Genomists, a religious group that insists on producing clones from the genetic material of aborted fetuses, have been accused of producing soulless beings that will later become part of the army of the Antichrist.

This accusation was fielded by Rev. Marshall Tucker of The Last Shall be Everlasting Church (TLSBEC).  According to TLSBEC dictum, clones and the children of any form of artificial insemination (AI) are without souls.  Since they are completely of this world, they obey the whims of the Antichrist.  They will be gathered and led by persons raised by homosexual parents, who will be commanders in the army of the Antichrist.

“These so-called Christians are doing the devil’s work,” said Tucker.  “Whether they are doing it in ignorance or in willful disregard of scripture is another matter.  They are attempting to play God.  Only God can play God.  But God, being God, does not need to play God.   Although being all powerful, He could if He so chose to.  He could even play the devil and fool the devil into thinking that God was the devil.  The devil could try to play God, but a discerning man would see right through it without letting on to the devil that he did.  Unless God didn’t want him to.  After that, it gets complicated.”

Martin Fraser, a Christian Genomist Pastor, says TLSBEC is sadly confused about the meaning of scripture.

“If it’s alive and it has an identity, it has a soul,” said Fraser.  “Soon, we’re moving to Phase 2.  If we produce two clones from one destroyed fetus, God gets extra out of the bargain.”

Currently, there are about 25 million AI children in the United States, half of whom are related to Charlie Sheen.  About 100,000 cases of accidental incest occur yearly, which Tucker cites as a sign of the apocalypse.  It is expected there will be 50 million clones by the end of this year.  The number of persons raised by homosexual parents is around 1 million.  There are more than enough guns for all of them and for the peoples of all nations.

“I’m not saying that people without souls shouldn’t pray, go to church, or tithe,” said Tucker.  “We turn no one away and, if you’re a clone, you should still attempt to do God’s will because God has a plan for your free will and/or your cloned unfree will.  The important thing is that in the end God wins.  However, the streets will run with blood and vengeance and fornication for a while before the salvation sets in.  When that happens, having a soul is a distinct advantage and, for one with a cleansed soul, you are in the running for some serious perks.”

What about the children of clones?

“That gets tricky,” said Tucker.  “If you’re a clone and you have sex with another clone, God may or may not decide to bequeath your progeny with a soul.  If you’re an AI child and you reproduce with a person raised by homosexual parents, you could get what we call Partial Soul Syndrome.  If you are an AI child who has sex with a clone, your child is immediately condemned to Limbo.  There are other rules and restrictions that may apply.”

(“Time Traveler’s Daily brings you news from the future.  If it’s here, it’ll happen.)

Anti-Super PAC

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Regular Guy, Inventor of Socialized Medicine


Thanks to super-PACs, Romney just smeared Newt Gingrich bug-into-a-windshield style with some innuendo and lies, mixed in with some truth.  This is going to be the year of the commercial break.  Commercials that break the fragile, desperate minds of voters.

But we have an exit strategy.  We can smear Mitt Romney without endless streams of corporate money, crass invective style, right here in a blog.

Yes, only this blog can save you from the evils of Citizen United and Speechnow.  Although, sadly, this blog will probably have almost no impact on the vote because I don’t have millions of dollars of disposable income handy.  Only this antiquated form of speech dispersed into the burgeoning cyclone of the internet, one leaflet among trillions.  The pen is still mightier than the sword but now money is speech, and therefore money is a pen, and a million dollars is a skyscraper pen spilling its corporate ink all over the collective consciousness just when it thought it wanted to vote for its own interests.

Here’s a guy who was born with a silver spoon in his mouth who has repeatedly stated he’s against all forms of “government dependency,” except he’s not when the dependency favors the rich.  He says he believes in the free market, and touts his experience as a CEO, and yet, as a CEO, begged for government subsidies.   He told us, back in November, we should let “foreclosures happen to let the market reboot.”  A month before that, he said individuals shouldn’t be bailed out, but the financial system should.

We could just stop right there.  But the clot thickens.

The Republican-voting American public had, at one point, painted former alcoholic, drug-addict President W as a regular guy you’d like to have a beer with who happened to be born into one of the most powerful families in America and had the luxury of running companies into the ground while carousing and intoxicating himself.  Then, he found god washed up on the beach with the help of Billy Graham and became sober.  So, he couldn’t have a beer with you.  But he looked like a guy you’d like to have a beer with.  And so, he’s a regular guy?  Except he wasn’t in any way…so, huh?

But wait, I digress, as I often do when I attempt to follow the logic of voters who vote against themselves.   Let’s maintain focus.

On the night of December 10, 2011, Romney admitted he had never faced financial hardship when a viewer sent in a question for the Republican candidates.  He also made a $10,000 bet with Rick Perry which Perry wisely declined.  And yet, he said the word “middle class” a lot, after Obama’s people pointed out the words never came up in the first 3 GOP debates.

Remember, Romney was a man who became demoralized when he couldn’t convert drunken Frenchmen to Mormonism.  In his days as a errant religious youth, he claimed he had to shit in a bucket as he simulated being a poor Frenchman (except people who knew him at the time say he’s lying).  Yes, he may have actually lived in a “palace.”  His  calls to Jesus (Mormon corporate variety) and sobriety didn’t take in secular, educated, wine-rich France, while he scented his magic underwear, and he hatched a plot to take over the United States and force religion on the world down the barrel of a gun.

Ok, that last bit was unfair.  So is inheriting large sums of money and then stating that other forms of dependency sap the strength when you’re not the financial sector.  Not sure why such an observation would irk anyone, though.

But at least he’s finally against abortion.  Or is he?

He is against Big Bird and teachers.  At least, when those teachers want rights to organize and manageable classroom sizes.  Romney is for the middle class, until they want to be well-compensated, have rights and be able to do their jobs.  Jobs like educating the youth.  Insignificant things like that that make the work of missionaries more difficult.  If the America people get a better-funded education, you know, one that doesn’t rely on bake sales, maybe they’d be able to resist Romney just like those mangy Frenchmen did in his bucket-shitting days.  He is against government intruding except when the government is evaluating teachers on standards designed to break their will, force them out of their jobs, or get them to take pay cuts so that government can be further downsized to accommodate the needs of the rich, like himself, to not be taxed.  Remember, he told us we need to learn from Right to Work states that workers have no rights.

In order to maintain objectivity, I’ll say I’m 99 percent sure that Romney is part of the 1 %.  He may say he cares about the middle class, while insisting we should let foreclosures happen, and shut down teacher unions, and saying corporate profits are practically synonymous with jobs, but we might find ourselves suspicious.  Corporations are culling these super-profits, sitting on them, outsourcing jobs, and forming Super PACs.  Romney, who has the bulk of corporate sponsorship, can sink all opposition with good old practical innuendo and lies paid for by interpretation divorced from the Constitution.

Not your tax dollars at work.